 |
|
|
|||||
Meg Josephson is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in trauma-informed care. She is also a certified meditation teacher through the Nalanda Institute. Whats the big idea? People-pleasing is not a personality trait. It is part of the trauma response known as fawning. Although it can be a useful mechanism at times, existing in a state of fawning leads to exhaustion and losing touch with oneself: who you are, what you want, and what you need. To heal, it is necessary to learn how to focus less on what other people think for the sake of rediscovering who you are. Below, Josephson shares five key insights from her new book, Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. Listen to the audio versionread by the author herselfbelow, or in the Next Big Idea app. [Photo: Next Big Idea Club] 1. People-pleasing is a common trauma response. I grew up in a home that was quite volatile. There were certainly loving moments, but there were also lots of yelling and addiction. I had to be on high alert all the time. This question of Are you mad at me? was protective; being sure that my dad wasnt mad at me kept me safe. When I left home, I noticed I was still hypervigilant but in a different form. Monitoring my dads moods turned into thinking I was going to get fired anytime my boss asked to have a chat, and walking around with the feeling that Im always about to get in trouble. Learning about people-pleasing as a trauma response made everything make sense for me. We have four responses to a threat: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. The fawn response is common yet least recognized as a threat response. It is about appeasing the threat by trying to be liked by it, satisfying it, or trying to impress it. Through fawning, safety and love come from doing more for the sake of approval. Its a brilliant safety mechanism, often learned in childhood if you grew up in a tense, volatile, or critical home environment. But its also a socialized behavior, especially for marginalized groups, where needing to be liked and approved of can be necessary for survival in society. Sometimes we need to fawn. But when we fawn as our default way of being, it becomes exhausting and manifests as chronic people-pleasing, overextending ourselves, overthinking social interactions, feeling anxious when someone puts a period instead of an exclamation point, and feeling like we dont know who we are because weve spent so long being hypervigilant of what others want and need. 2. Awareness is the most important part of healing. In my private practice, a lot of people come in with a sense of urgency: Tell me what to do! Fix it for me! For the record, that was also me when I was 20 and going to my first therapist. I said to her, Why do I always think people are mad at me? I thought she would take one look at me, tell me what to do, and Id be on my merry way. Healing is a slow, subtle, and ongoing process. When we react, were usually doing so from an old place. Awareness is our best tool. When we react, were usually doing so from an old place. Something about a given situation reminds our bodies of a past situation, and so we react in a way that once kept us safe. Before immediately reacting in the way we usually dolike overapologizing or overexplaining ourselvesjust pause. Take a second. A pause is a people-pleasers best friend. By doing so, we bring an unconscious pattern into the conscious mind. This allows us to decide: Do I need to be doing this right now? Or am I safe? How do I want to respond? Even if we do choose to react in the old way, there is no need to feel shame. Because by virtue of becoming aware of it, we are already doing something different. 3. Nothing is personal. Nothing is perfect. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is personal means that we all behave and react through the lens of our own inner world, which is composed of fears, beliefs, and past experiences. Nothing is personal doesnt mean were never accepting feedback or arent open to constructive criticism. What it means is that were being selective about who we take feedback from. When weve been stuck in the fawn response, our minds have been trained to be hypervigilant of all that is happening externally: peoples reactions, their facial expressions, did they laugh at your joke? Are they mad at me? Remember that this is a survival mechanism, so were only supposed to be in it for a few minutes at a time. But for many of us (especially women), its as natural as breathing. When were in this state for years or a lifetime, we completely lose connection with who we are, what we want, and what we need. So instead of Do they like me?, ask Do I like them? Instead of What should I do to make them like me?, ask How can I move through the discomfort of them not liking me? We cant truly know ourselves and be liked by everyone at the same time. 4. Youre not responsible for managing other peoples emotions. Many people who are drawn to the question of Are you mad at me? have historically found safety by managing other peoples moods. For me, being perfect, an overachiever, and relentlessly positive was helpful growing up. How I showed up was the one thing in my control to keep the peace. What Ive come to realize, and what I work on with clients, is that we cannot manage the moods or reactions of others. When were stuck in a fawn response, were entangled with the other persons emotions. If they dont feel regulated, we cant feel regulated. Much of people-pleasing aims to prevent others from being disappointed or upset, so we can avoid discomfort. But it is not your job to manage their discomfort. When were stuck in a fawn response, were entangled with the other persons emotions. We must create a distinction between what emotion is mine and what emotion is yours. I call this practice leaning back in relationships. This doesnt mean being passive, but rather it releases urgency and the need to control. In this way, we preserve energy where wed normally be overextending ourselves. Were not leaving the room; were just leaning back. 5. Practice taking in small bite-size pieces of discomfort. Ive been meditating daily for over 10 years now. When I first started, I couldnt do it for more than a minute. I had so much agitation and tension in my body, that sitting in a meditation session felt unbearable. Forcing myself through 20 minutes back when I couldnt get through one would have been a mistake. This healing work is about cultivating a sense of internal safety, so we wouldnt want to do something super scary to startlike set a boundary with someone were terrified ofbecause it may not go great, and then our body will be like, See? This is why I people-please! Similarly, if someone came into therapy and had a lot of unprocessed traumas, we wouldnt start by diving headfirst into their traumatic memories. Wed go slowly to make sure they feel safe along the way. I call this dipping our toes into discomfort because if it feels too much, then we can back out. What were doing is slowly increasing tolerance for discomfort. With every instance in which we acknowledge that we are uncomfortable but still safe, we give new evidence to the people-pleasing part of ourselves that we can be judged and still be safe. You can be misunderstood and still be safe. Someone can be mad at you, and you can still be safe. If a client is trying to be with their emotions or anxious thoughts, instead of sitting with those thoughts for 10 minutes, first sit with them for 30 seconds. As youre sitting with that anxiety, maybe choose to start noticing sounds in the room, or all the things in the room that are greensomething so that your body still knows that youre here and not stuck in that memory. If you want to practice setting boundaries, start with someone who makes you feel safe. Tell your best friend, I only have 30 minutes to chat, or I actually dont feel like drinking tonight. Each time you do this, you build self-trust and show the younger part of you that learned that being perfect and accommodating secured love that, in fact, youre allowed to have needs. This article originally appeared in Next Big Idea Club magazine and is reprinted with permission.
Category:
E-Commerce
Its safe to assume youve heard the term once in a blue moon, which refers to the rare occurrence when there is a second full moon in a calendar month. But you might not have heard the term “black moon.” However, on Saturday, August 23, at precisely 2:06 a.m. ET, a black moon is taking place. Although it sounds like something out of a dystopian novel, it’s not that ominous. Lets take a deeper look at what this all means. What is a black moon? Much like great artists such as Picasso, the moon goes through phases. The moons version is cyclical, lasting around 29.5 days. A full moon occurs when Earth is between the sun and the moon, and the side of the moon facing Earth is lit up by the sun. A new moon is the exact opposite of a full moon. It occurs when the orb is between Earth and the sunhowever, the side facing Earth is shadowed and dark, making the phenomenon invisible to the stargazer. Similar to a blue moon, if two new moons occur in the same month, the second is considered a black moon. But there are actually two types of black moons. The other type is based on seasons. It is the moniker given to a third new moon in a season of four new moons, which is what is happening this weekend. For those in the Northern Hemisphere, summer began on June 21, and new moons took place on June 25 and July 24, making August 23 the third in the lineup. (The fourth will take place on September 21, which is just a day before the equinox signaling the beginning of fall.) How often does this type of black moon happen? Seasonal black moons only happen about once every 33 months, according to the Time and Date website. What does this black moon have to do with the Milky Way? To some degree, our home galaxy, the Milky Way, is always visible in the night sky. During the summer months, the center of this massive grouping of stars, planets, and dark matter rises higher, making it more visible to the naked eye. A black moon sky is the perfect time to attempt to see the Milky Way, because the night is even darker than normal. So, although you cannot see a black moon itself, it might just benefit your Milky Way viewing.
Category:
E-Commerce
Do you buy raw frozen shrimp at Walmart? If so, the Food and Drug Administration is recommending you throw away packages of the retailers Great Value brand that were purchased in 13 states because of possible contamination with a radioactive isotope. The FDA issued an alert Tuesday after the U.S. Customs & Border Protection detected Celsium-137, or Cs-137, in shipping containers at U.S. ports in Los Angeles, Houston, Savannah, and Miami. This radioactive isotope was detected in five different shrimp products from an Indonesian supplier that does business as BMS Foodsthough the FDA said no affected shrimp entered the U.S. food supply. However, because the FDA couldnt rule out possible contamination, it is cautioning that consumers shouldnt eat or serve Great Value raw frozen shrimp sold at Walmart stores in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Mississippi, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas, and West Virginia. The federal agency has also recommended that Walmart recall its product. The product in question is Great Value brand frozen raw white Vannamei shrimp sold in 2-pound bags, with a best-by date of March 15, 2027. Full details about the affected lot numbers can be found on the FDAs press release. If you have recently purchased raw frozen shrimp from Walmart that matches this description, throw it away, the FDA said in the press release. Do not eat or serve this product. Safety Alerts Americans are routinely exposed to some trace amounts Cs-137 because of its presence in the environment from weapons testing in the 1950s and 1960s, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). But the danger lies in exposure to large, concentrated amounts which can cause burns, acute radiation sickness, death, and an increased risk of cancer, according to the CDC. The FDAs investigation is ongoing, including working with Indonesian seafood regulatory authorities to determine the root cause of the contamination. Dr. Marty Makary, commissioner of the FDA, has not commented about the shrimp alert, though he did re-share a post on Tuesday on the X platform about the Pete & Bobby Challenge, an event hosted by Secretaries of Defense and Health Pete Hegseth and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to encourage Americans to get fit again. The FDA has issued nine safety alerts this year related to food and dietary supplement products.
Category:
E-Commerce
All news |
||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||